Religion and Politics Need to Come Back to Dinner

On LinkedIn, I recently posted something that I flagged as an unpopular opinion.

I said that it’s time to ditch the moratorium on discussing politics and religion ANYWHERE. Now, that doesn’t mean it’s ok to engage in screaming matches over the Thanksgiving, or any other, dinner table. The problem is that when we don’t talk to each other about uncomfortable or polarizing topics, we lose the ability to resolve the problems behind them.

Why?

BECAUSE WE STOPPED LISTENING TO EACH OTHER.

And before you go claiming that this isn’t a problem, look at how polarized and divided the US has become as a nation. I think a lot of the problem has to do with social media and the algorithms that they use to encourage and maintain engagement. Those algorithms specifically reflect back at you content based on the things you’ve indicated that you like. The net result is that your social media feed becomes an echo chamber, always feeding you more content, which is actually data overload keeping you from being able to hear yourself think. But I digress… </rant>

Here are five guidelines for having healthier conversations about divisive topics like politics and religion.

1. Start By Seeking Understanding, Not Victory
   Before engaging, decide what the goal is: understanding and connection, not “winning” or changing the other person’s mind on the spot. You can say something like, “I’m not trying to convert you; I just want to understand how you see this.” Note: If you can’t adopt this attitude, if being right is all that matters, keep your mouth shut because you’re part of the problem.
2. Listen To Understand, Then Reflect Back. It’s Called Active Listening.
   Give the other person room to talk without interrupting, and ask open-ended questions like “What led you to that view?” Briefly paraphrase what you heard (“So you’re worried about…”) so they feel heard before you share your own view. You might even learn something when you do this!
3. Lead with Values and Personal Stories.
   Instead of launching into facts or headlines, explain the values and lived experiences behind your opinion (“Because I value fairness, I see it this way…”). Invite them to share their experiences too; stories and values humanize the conversation and reduce defensiveness. Any time you can put a human face on things, it helps ground the conversation. That’s a plus.
4. Keep It Respectful and Bounded.
   Avoid name-calling, insults, and sweeping labels; focus on critiquing ideas, not the person. If things get heated, hit pause or change topics, and be willing to say, “I care about our relationship more than this argument, so let’s take a break.” If you devolve into name-calling, you’ve lost.
5. Accept Disagreement and Look for Common Ground.
   Recognize that you may not reach agreement, and that’s okay; aim for mutual understanding instead of consensus. Look for shared concerns or values, like safety, fairness, or caring for family, and name them explicitly to remind both of you what you hold in common.

And if you don’t believe me that conversations like this ARE possible, these are some references to help you along.

1. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/10_tips_for_getting_people_to_talk_across_political_differences
2. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2022/04/learning-how-to-talk-about-divisive-issues/
3. https://www.colorado.edu/studentlife/different-points-of-view
4. https://crlt.umich.edu/publinks/generalguidelines
5. https://education.umd.edu/news/09-29-24-5-tips-talking-across-differences-and-disagreements